PART I: Top 20 Broadway Villain Songs

I think it’s been well-established by this point that I adore villains. It should have been equally-well established that I love musicals. So, as one may expect, whenever I see a new musical show or film, there’s always one special song I always hope for and look forward to: the villain song! Now, Disney has pretty much cemented themselves as Villain Song Central, and trust in me (ha ha), we’ll get to them soon enough, but many people tend to overlook the literal scores of malicious melodies the world of the STAGE has brought to us, via Broadway and the West End. So, I say it’s time the baddies of Broadway got their devillish due, with a tribute to my Favorite Broadway Villain Songs! But why stop at only ten or twelve, with so many wonderfully wicked tunes to talk about? Let’s take it all the way up to TWENTY!

Now, only three rules that apply here: a.) the musicals in question must be STAGE musicals, b.) WITH ONE EXCEPTION, none of the musicals here will be based off a musical film; it’s fine if there are films based on the plays, or if the play is based on a non-musical movie, but not the other way around...and finally c.) only ONE song per show, for reasons you’ll quickly figure out.

And without further ado, find your nearest twirly-moustache and microphone, and let’s dive in!

20. Little Girls, from Annie.

Sometimes hailed as “The Queen of Villain Songs,” this lament is sung by the malicious Miss Hannigan, the cruel matron who runs the orphanage our precocious protagonist, Little Orphan Annie, comes from. In this song, Hannigan basically describes her frustration - bordering on madness - with her station in life, and wonders just where her life went wrong: she HATES kids, so why has she suddenly ended up in the gutter caring for about a dozen little brats? She bemoans her lost love life, yearns for riches and fame, all while generally guzzling down enough booze to knock out a hippopotamus. It’s a comically lumbering sort of song, but there’s an element of aggression and jazz to it, as well, that keeps it from being a dirge. Even though Hannigan’s a pretty wretched old bat, you actually can understand where she’s coming from: whether you like kids or not, they can be a handful, and while she certainly has a lot of what happens to her coming, you can still sympathize with her literal and figurative headaches here and there. How sinister or how silly Hannigan and her big solo are is, of course, up to the director and performer, but it’s always a showstopper either way.

Favorite Lyric(s): “Someday I’ll land in the nuthouse, with all the nuts and the squirrels! There I’ll stay, tucked away, till the prohibition of Little Girls!”

19. A Freak Like Me Needs Company, from Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark.

Let’s all be honest: this musical was a disaster from its mere conception. Not that a good superhero musical CAN’T be done (heck, Batman has TWO of them, one onstage), it’s just extremely difficult to pull off, for a LOT of reasons. This show is a prime example of that: a gaudy mess of special effects and grinding rock and roll that TRIES to have a story, but never quite gets anywhere it wants to go. It changes the lore of Spider-Man in ways that just don’t make sense, even in its own insanity, and it can’t seem to make up its mind how seriously or how “campily” it wants to take itself. But, if there is ONE good thing in this show, it is the villain: the Green Goblin. Played first by Patrick Page, and then by Robert Cuccioli, the Goblin is, in his own words, “a ridiculously over-the-top supervillain,” but unlike so much of the other over-the-top things in the show, everything about the character works. He’s genuinely fun, and he easily gets the only TRULY good song in the show: this one. After transforming into a galloping green demon, Norman Osborn (the Goblin’s real name), decides to create a whole slew of freaks to help him take over New York City, and then THE WOOOORRRRRLLLLLD! As he does this, he celebrates his “liberation” with this tune, and for once in this train wreck, everything suddenly seems to work out: the colors, the costumes, the energy, the acting, the singing, the choreography...it’s no wonder David Letterman allowed THIS on his show over any other number. (Well...this and "Rise Above," but that's another story.)

18. C.B. (Wide Smile, High Style), from Starlight Express.

Speaking of train wrecks: C.B. the Red Caboose, a rather underrated baddy from the annals of Broadway, tells us just how much he loves them with this number! C.B. is about as treacherous as it gets: a virtual psychopath who uses the trust others put in him to deliberately destroy them, physically, mentally, and/or emotionally, this “break-van” boasts about his accomplishments as...well...a serial killer, practically! Claiming responsibility for some of the worst railroad accidents and crimes in history, he flaunts his villainy with wild abandon, before flipping right around and putting on his “friendly face” for the people who believe he’s there to help them. Iago, eat your heart out.

Favorite Lyric(s): “10-4, Smokey Bear, I’ll help you get...nowhere! You know I’m to blame, but you don’t know my name! Wide Smile, High Style, that’s me! Out front, in back, C.B.! Wrong side, wrong track, C.B.! C.B., hangin’ loose! C.B. the Red Caboose!”

17. You’ll Be Back, from Hamilton.

Hamilton is a rather new musical that’s been taking the world by storm. Critics love it, audiences love it, evil politicians love it...sooo, is it wrong for me to say I think it’s overrated?

(Is booed off the stage.)

Okay, look: I’m not saying the show is bad, it’s just...not my thing. I’ve never been a fan of rap and hip-hop music, and while I will concede the music is good for what it is, what it is just doesn’t interest me too much, and because that is the predominant style of the show, it stands to reason I’d get kind of bored and annoyed by/with it pretty fast.

Perhaps this is why “You’ll Be Back” is one of my favorite songs in the show. King George III, who ruled England at the time of the American Revolution, isn’t the main antagonist of the play...but, as you’ll quickly see, being the main antagonist doesn’t always mean you’ll get the best “antagonistic song.” A love letter to the Beatles and other poppy love songs of “The British Invasion” from the 1960’s, “You’ll Be Back” is a ridiculously chipper tune with a much darker message. King George is basically sending a taunting threat to the Americans, but he does it in a way that makes it sound like a charming, happy ditty of a love song, lending a strong dose of hilarious irony to the piece that sells everything. Add to it the glorious vocals of Jonathan Groff, and you’ve got yourself a tasty cup of tea indeed!

Favorite Lyric(s): “You’ll Be Back, like before; I will fight the fight, and win the war! For your love, for your praise, and I’ll love you till my dying days! When you’re gone, I’ll go mad, so don’t throw away this thing we have! ‘Cause when push comes to shove, I will kill your friends and family...to remind you of my love!”

16. Kiddy-Widdy-Winkies, from Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang: The Musical.

This is the one exception I was referring to. Now, many of you are probably familiar with the creepshow known as “The Child Catcher.” In the film (and the musical), the Catcher is a...thing (he doesn’t seem ENTIRELY human, for a lot of reasons, and even less so in the stage version) hired by the Baroness of Vulgaria, who is frightened of and loathes children. In the movie, he was played by dance and musical sensation Sir Robert Helpmann, but for some reason, never got a song all his own. The stage show fixes this, as the Catcher goes on the hunt with an AMAZINGLY creepy number as he taunts his future victims, making it clear there is no escape...whether it be with candies and sweetness, or a sharp hook and net, he’ll catch your children...he’ll take them away...and they will never be seen again.

Favorite Lyric(s): “Sometimes I lure them, the dear little lambs, with goodies, and gooies, and chewies, and jams! Gobstoppers, gumdrops, and licorice treats! Cookies, and chocolates, and all kinds of sweets! Strawberry lollies with peppermint strands! Treacle tarts! Ice cream! I meet all demands! Then, when I get the dears into my hands...THEY’RE BANISHED! AND VANISHED! And damned.”

15. Hook’s Waltz, from Peter Pan.

Throughout this musical take on the classic story of Peter & Wendy, Captain Hook uses music as an excuse to plot and brag. He thinks to the tune of a Tango and a Tarantella early in the show...so, it makes sense that, upon his apparent victory, believing Peter Pan has been poisoned, while he has Wendy, her brothers, and the Lost Boys locked up and ready to walk the plank, he conducts his crew in a waltz to his honor, proclaiming himself as the Greatest Villain of All Time! This is, of course, later punctured when Peter pops up quite alive, and throws Hook, himself, overboard...but don’t let the Captain know that yet. Just...let him have his moment.

Favorite Lyric(s): “Who’s the slimiest rat in the pack? Captain Hook! Captain Hook! Who’s unloveable? (You!) Who’s unlivable? (You!) Who’s behavior is just unforgivable? (You!) Who would stoop to the lowest and meanest of tricks in the book? (Tricks in the book!) Blimey! Slimy Captain Hook!”

14. Those Were the Good Old Days, from Damn Yankees!

In this modernized parody of the fable of Faust, Joe Boyd - a middle-aged nobody - makes a deal with the Devil to become an unrivalled baseball star, just so he can see his favorite team beat the Yankees at the Penant. Throughout the show, Mr. Applegate (the Devil’s given alias) tries a variety of tricks to trip up Joe, so he will fail to repent and sink deeper and deeper in his control. When his primary henchgirl, the sultry Lola, seems on the verge of betraying him, Applegate decides to cheer himself up with a trip down memory lane, as he reflects on some of history’s most infamous people and events. What follows is one of the most cheerfully disturbing songs to be found ANYWHERE…

Favorite Lyric(s): “I see Bonaparte, a mean one, if ever I did see one! And Nero, fiddling through that lovely blaze! Antoinette, dainty queen, with her quaint guillotine...Nyeh-heh-heh-heh! Those Were the Good Old Days!”

13. Macavity the Mystery Cat, from CATS.

Essentially, Villain Songs can be broken into two or three categories: songs sung BY the villains, songs sung by people BECOMING villains, or songs sung ABOUT the villains. This is one of those lattermost songs. Throughout the rampant spectacle of CATS, we get a lot of build-up to Macavity, a mysterious and crooked cat who seems to be the Professor Moriarty of this universe, and longs to take over the Jellicle clan. After kidnapping their leader, Old Deuteronymy, two of the cats - Bombalurina and Demeter - sing a warning of the villainous tabby to the audience...which seems a bit out of place, since he just, again, KIDNAPPED YOUR LEADER, AND WE’VE ALREADY SEEN HIM, but whatever, the song’s a delight either way.

Favorite Lyric(s): “Macavity, Macavity, there’s no one like Macavity. He’s a fiend in feline shape! A monster of depravity! You may meet him in a bystreet, you may see him in the square, but when the crime’s discovered, then Macavity’s not there!”

12. Biggest Blame Fool, from Seussical.

Seussical is my favorite musical, so it’s no surprise to find an entry from there. While I argued - in another list - that, if there’s a main villain to be found in Seussical, the villain would be Mayzie LaBird, and while Mayzie DOES have a few fun songs of her own...I don’t think anyone would argue that the pinnacle of villainous belting goes to the Sour Kangaroo’s big number “Biggest Blame Fool.” After Horton the Elephant claims to hear voice calling for help from a dust speck, the derisive marsupial and her bratty joey proclaim him “the Biggest Blame Fool in the Jungle of Nool,” and their cruel gossip soons spreads like a wildfire through the Jungle, until pretty much everyone is laughing at Horton’s apparent foolery. Everyone, that is, except for his neighbor, a little blue bird named Gertrude McFuzz, who is secretly in love with the kindhearted Elephant. Their gentle voices are drowned out quickly, however, by the jeers of the other animals in the Jungle...even the Cat in the Hat gets into the action, posing a newscaster just to join in calling Horton a buffoon! (Douche move, Cat...douche move…)

Favorite Lyric(s): “Biggest Blame Fool in the Jungle of Nool, and in Jungles Anywhere! Check the big, nervous wreck who’s protecting a speck, when he knows there’s no one there! Acting as if he’s holding a jewel! Somebody stuck a trunk on a mule! Biggest Blame Fool in the Jungle of Nool, Nool, Nool…!”

11. Master of the House, from Les Miserables.

As I’ve said before, Inspector Javert is undeniably the main antagonist of this spectacular musical, but if you’re looking for the definition of a “villain,” Thenardier - the corrupt and immoral innkeeper - is obviously your man. In he and his nagging wife’s introductory number, we get a look into the thieving swindler’s wicked ways of working, as he rips off just about every guest in his pub within the course of a single song sequence.

Favorite Lyric(s): “Master of the House! Keeper of the Zoo! Ready to relieve ‘em of a sous or two! Watering the wine! Making up the weight! Picking up their knick-knacks when they can’t see straight! Everybody loves the landlord! Everybody’s bosom friend! I do whatever pleases! Jesus, won’t I bleed ‘em in the end!”

List continues here: jjhatter.deviantart.com/art/PA…